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Three Management Lessons

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember...a good friend will help you move. A REALLY good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The first old ! guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives,
nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change."
Charles Darwin

Harley Heart Surgery
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic said, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. When I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

There is a fine line between a hobby and an obsession.

Who’s got Who?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. He comes in here every day. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks, "Want to play a game, son? Which do you want?"
The boy takes the two quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That's the dumbest kid I ever saw. He never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves the barber shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store, licking an ice cream cone. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the five dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the five dollars, the game's over.”

Getting into Heaven
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." Then I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting,
"Holy Shit!! What a Ride!!"

This is what happens when dad buys the t-shirts:

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

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